With the help of a friend, we changed the design of this blog, hopefully making it easier to navigate. Change that recovery brings is not always easy to navigate. Some problems that were a good excuse to drink do not go away; others threaten to blow us off course. A few new ones may arrive as we sober up.
The reality is: Change is a challenge, no matter what.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. James Baldwin
I did not think I could – would – change my drinking. I had invested too much in its companionship. Until somewhere, somehow, drinking was no longer fun.
I had a lot of fun drinking, until I didn’t.
Because I got the wrong impression of what a bottom was, I kept drinking but the fun it once was, wasn’t. I argued to myself that I wasn’t in jail, or an asylum or the gutter; nor, I did not hide bottles, so how bad could I be?
The reality is, obsessions come dressed in many outfits.
Mine – at the end — were dressed in making sure the booze was top-notch and the wine, expensive; the glass had to be top-drawer, too. Drunks just upend brown bags, right? Or, squirrel miniatures away so nobody knows.
As long as I wasn’t drinking like I imagined drunks drank, I was OK. But, my brain wouldn’t stop figuring out the right way to drink, and my heart kept warning me I was not making good choices.
My “brain” usually won out, putting me often in situations that were not so smart. So, I worried that my internal battles were in plain view, and that others were talking about my drinking.
I was more worried about me than what damage I was doing to others.
Joining a Bible study, mainly to figure out to what circle of Hell I was headed, planted the seed: life is about more than your drama. Seeds take time to sprout, and the reality that God wasn’t trapped in a stained glass window was slow growing. But, eventually it took root and sprouted.
The new reality:
Because others were willing to share what they learned in recovery, I found how to make peace with my brain and heart.
For me, though, it meant letting go of an old companion who was an unreliable pal. I only do it a day at a time. When I let go, I had a better Companion who understood what passing up a drink meant. (Matthew 27:33-24)
If anything I write rings a bell, friend, I hope this day will be a day of new beginnings for you. The reality is God’s unfailing love for you won’t change. (Jeremiah 31:3)
Love in Christ,
Sober and Grateful
(And yes, the design of my blog has changed! What do you think? )