COVID-19 has changed so much, revealing how weak, wobbly, and wandering my faith in a power greater than me. (Step Two) Cut off from so much that is familiar in recovery, will that Power do more for me than restore me to sanity?
Well, what STEP am I working? Don’t just do the first two steps, and roost; keep going!
My sobriety is anchored to God, whom I can’t see. So, when I see, hear, or feel something my heart can’t process it, it can mug my confidence that God’s got this. But,
It’s like I am a kid sitting safely in their parent’s lap shutting my eyes and plugging up ears yelling I can’t see you!
Serendipitously, when grumping about Why God doesn’t ____________________, I discovered a sermon, Praying Your Doubts by Tim Keller.
Whew . . . Thank you, Tim Keller! Doubting God isn’t going to lessen HIS grip on me.
His strength is His Kindness, and the faith I have in Him is not blind, just because it is a wee bit mysterious. The bottom line is we each walk by faith, whether it is the faith that God is, or that He is not. Nobody can prove their “faith” position.
This reminds me of a program friend whose conviction that God is not. She repeated her counselor’s question:
Can you conceive of any power greater than yourself?
When she relayed that question, it was like a thorn that penetrated deeply.
Sometimes I think and act like I am the only source of power that can get anything done.
Other times, I stumble in doubt and unbelief, even in my own power, and especially when I ignore just how far God has led me.
In just the past 24 ours, I have had food, shelter, HEALTH, and the attention of friends and family.
Granted, I have had some unpleasant stuff . . . but I lived to tell of it. I was able to choose not to drink over it. Moreover, I have been able to share a bit of what I have gotten and do not deserve. ( Love is Inconvenient)
When I look back over the past 140 days of COVID-19, mas o menos, I see what is so easy to ignore when I focus on myself. So, I readjust my focus when I remember the confidence drainer self-centeredness is.
I may not be much, but I am all I think about. (heard at a meeting)
Thinking that I am large and in charge is as much a faith based attitude as trusting God is the one who is large and in charge. Just for today my faith rests in a Power whose strength is kindness.
“Between the probable and proved there yawns
A gap. Afraid to jump, we stand absurd,
Then see behind us sink the ground and, worse,
Our very standpoint crumbling. Desperate dawns
Our only hope: to leap into the Word
That opens up the shuttered universe.”
― Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy: A Story of Faith, Tragedy and Triumph
Lots of love, dear reader!
Love in Christ,
Sober and Grateful
PS: Why I love and miss AA meetings: Anthony Hopkins