White Knuckling

white knuckling
In Acceptance Lieth Peace

I was white knuckling the last few years of my drinking, refusing to accept that alcohol was not my friend. I cut down the amount I consumed. But the amount I consumed set my brain crazy with thoughts about how to get more. I could not concentrate on anything around me because of the crazy thoughts. The less I drank, the more I wanted.

Alcohol really is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

 ‘You want to drink, but drinking is making you ill. You feel ill, but you want a drink. You are full of wanting. So you drink. And it doesn’t work like it used to’ … William Leith. (How I Let Alcohol Take Over My Life)

I white-knuckled too much of my recovery, too, refusing to accept a few simple suggestions, like get over yourself and work the Steps, all twelve of them.

I thought my higher power, whom I call Christ the Lord, was enough. And what more did I need than the Scriptures?

He was, and is; and the Scriptures are plentifully rich.  Christ drew me out the depths of my determination to be a “social” drinker.  He has been a trusted companion and mentor – more than sufficient He is!

But, by making meetings, and keeping an open mind, I have seen the consistent and practical outworking of how to love God and others as I love myself; of how to live in remission with a three-fold disease.

If I focus on the problem the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases. (The Big Book, page 419)

This does not mean sitting around doing nothing! I do whatever is in front of me to do, (like the dishes) and leave the results up to Him. (Page 420)

When I mess up, I have the freedom, now, and a way to acknowledge and own my failure. (4thand 10thSteps)

. . . Throughout the day, as I allow outside circumstances to dampen my spirits, I ask God to sear my consciousness with the awareness that I can start my day over any time I choose; a hundred times, if necessary.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I also have the responsibility to ask forgiveness, and freely give it.

Considering all stuff for which God forgives me, why get my knickers in a wad when life isn’t going my way?

Life is going God’s way, and that’s a better path – not simpler, easier, or less painful, necessarily. Life is hard, and people can be stinkers; but picking up a drink will make nothing better, or any soul nicer.

When I came to believe this, I quit white- knuckling recovery – just for today.

 “Genuine self-acceptance is not derived from the power of positive thinking, mind-games, or pop psychology. It is an act of faith in the God of grace”  © Manning

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White Knuckling
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2 thoughts on “White Knuckling

  • March 13, 2019 at 1:00 pm

    Amen Sister. White knuckles. Hmmm. No blood to your joints. Cutting it off with my secular thinking. Open my hands let the life blood of Christ flow in. No more white knuckles.

    • March 13, 2019 at 10:54 pm

      Thanks friend — Appreciate it!

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