White Knuckling

I was white knuckling the last few years of my drinking, refusing to accept that alcohol was not my friend. I cut down the amount I consumed. But the amount I consumed set my brain crazy with thoughts about how to get more. I could not concentrate on anything around me because of the crazy thoughts. The less I drank, the more I wanted.

Alcohol really is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

 ‘You want to drink, but drinking is making you ill. You feel ill, but you want a drink. You are full of wanting. So you drink. And it doesn’t work like it used to’ … William Leith. (How I Let Alcohol Take Over My Life)

I white-knuckled too much of my recovery, too, refusing to accept a few simple suggestions, like get over yourself and work the Steps, all twelve of them.

I thought my higher power, whom I call Christ the Lord, was enough. And what more did I need than the Scriptures?

He was, and is; and the Scriptures are plentifully rich.  Christ drew me out the depths of my determination to be a “social” drinker.  He has been a trusted companion and mentor – more than sufficient He is!

But, by making meetings, and keeping an open mind, I have seen the consistent and practical outworking of how to love God and others as I love myself; of how to live in remission with a three-fold disease.

If I focus on the problem the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases. (The Big Book, page 419)

This does not mean sitting around doing nothing! I do whatever is in front of me to do, (like the dishes) and leave the results up to Him. (Page 420)

When I mess up, I have the freedom, now, and a way to acknowledge and own my failure. (4^thand 10^thSteps)

. . . Throughout the day, as I allow outside circumstances to dampen my spirits, I ask God to sear my consciousness with the awareness that I can start my day over any time I choose; a hundred times, if necessary.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I also have the responsibility to ask forgiveness, and freely give it.

Considering all stuff for which God forgives me, why get my knickers in a wad when life isn’t going my way?

Life is going God’s way, and that’s a better path – not simpler, easier, or less painful, necessarily. Life is hard, and people can be stinkers; but picking up a drink will make nothing better, or any soul nicer.

When I came to believe this, I quit white- knuckling recovery – just for today.

 “Genuine self-acceptance is not derived from the power of positive thinking, mind-games, or pop psychology. It is an act of faith in the God of grace”  © Manning

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